See, I'm of two minds about most things.
My uncle 'Tuffy', just died this Monday. Killed in a tractor accident. The details aren't terribly important, save these: his wife, my aunt Ruthie, and one of his sons, my cousin Dave, were there when it happened and saw him dead if not actually killed.
You can imagine how they must feel. Me, I'm all too aware of exactly how they feel. I know what it's like to have someone you love taken from you violently by an untimely end. For the benefit of you lucky ones, I'll try to explain it. Bear in mind that I'm no psychiatrist, so I won't be using many fancy terms.
Basically, an event like this tears a hole in you, spiritually speaking. Think of it this way: the people in your life, the ones you know best, are all a part of you. If, for some reason, one of them is suddenly taken away, they take that part of you with them, and a hole is left behind. The closer they are to you, the more a part of you they are, and the bigger the hole they leave behind.
My aunt was married to Uncle Tuffy for 57 years. I'd imagine having him taken away like this has left more hole than person behind in her case.
The trouble with holes is, nature tries to fill them with whatever is handy. In cases like this, the easiest thing to fill these holes with is the people left behind. Trust me, it is so easy to just fall into that hole and stay there for years, doing little more than peeking out from time to time. I spent almost 15 years in the one Charlie left behind in my soul. It's only recently that I've been able (thanks to a great healer of the human soul, my therapist) to roam out from that hole, and allow other things to fill it up, smooth it over, and let life go on around it and in it.
My aunt is in her late 70s. She hasn't got 15 years to waste in a hole. So tomorrow, when the funeral is over, I have to speak to her children (my cousins), or some closer relatives than I, and try to make them see this; and make sure they know that sometimes, no matter how much we want to do it ourselves, we can't make it better. And that there are people who can.
And I've got to do it without making them angry. And I can't afford to fail. I owe it to my Uncle Tuffy not to.
The 'two minds' thing is... well, it's cold comfort kind of stuff, mainly, and not worth mentioning.
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6 comments:
Sorry to hear about your Uncle Tuffy (and I thought I was the only one who had weird family names going on...see my own 116 lb. Uncle Fattie), I'm sure your family is having a pretty hard time right now.
Sadly, while many of us (I know you included) like having the ability to help others, this is an area where gaining the expertise may not be worth the cost of sharing it. Sure doesn't feel like it's worth it anyway. Though it's not like it's something you can have any control over. I suppose if we have to go through the pain and the grief of losing the people we love, we should try to minimize it for others. Especially others we care deeply for.
Anyway, really sorry to hear about your loss...and really sorry you're the go-to guy for getting through the loss of people you love.
P.S. - Just heard about the new blog. ::sniff:: I apparently didn't merit an invitation. It's okay. It's okay. It's not like I'm a real friend or anything. I realize I'm only the girlfriend of a friend. No real status of my own or anything...::sniff::...;)
(heh...my verification word was 'ogzenu', how appropriate is THAT around here?)
I'm sorry about your uncle. Your aunt must be beyond devastated. I know a thing or two about falling down the rabbit hole myself, and also know that it's a daunting task you've set for yourself. We are all so frustratingly human that it's hard not to want to "fix" the ones you love. Sometimes it's something they have to figure out on their own. But I admire you for trying.
"wyhmlfk?" Some new advertising slogan I'm not hip to? (Damn, I've got to get myself a BlackBerry)
SF:
Sorry, I figured I'd left it where you'd be sure to see it. Apologies. You are of paramount importance, but I figured that leaving a message on YOUR blog would bring the news back to management in jig time, as yours is so popular I am sure at least five of them are regular readers by now.
Opus:
Well, like I said to her son (Cousin Dave), the 'give them time' thing is all nice and stuff, but if it isn't working, 'get them help'.
Heheh. If they are a bunch of illiterate (hence the lack of comments) internet skanks wooing my ex, you could be right.
I didn't get an invite either.
I will kill. KILL!
Well, no I won't. But I'm sad. And even sadder that my beloved didn't get no invite.
Hmmph. No tater salad for YOU next time you visit, buddo.
Help is good.
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