Totally Average Al

I know that you, dear readers, much like me, are constantly curious about Al, his life and times, what he likes, what he dislikes, what his hamster's name is, you know, pretty much every fricking detail of his existence, as it is all that gives our own lives meaning. Thankfully, we have his extensive body of written work to go on. Like the theme to his show...

It starts off innocuously enough...

Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Al

And he lived in a sewer with his hamster pal

But the sanitation workers really didn't approve

So he packed up his accordion and had to move

To a city in Ohio where he lived in a tree

And he worked in a nasal decongestant factory

And he played on the company bowling team

And every single night he had a strange, recurring dream

Where he was wearing leiderhosen in a vat of sour cream

But that's really not important to the story

Heh, funny ol' Al... Always a laugh a minute with you... but here I am interrupting, let's continue, shall we?

Well, the very next year he met a dental hygenist

With a spatula tattoed on her arm (on her arm)

But he didn't keep in touch, then he lost her number

Then he got himself a job on a tater tot farm

And he spent his life savings on a split-level cave

20 miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)

And he really makes a mighty fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich

For what it's worth

Well, honestly, not very much, really. But then things get interesting, don't they? Let's take a rather chilling look into the mind of Completely Normal Alfred Yankovic...

Then one day Al was in the forest, trying to get a tan

Excuse me? A guy who is by all rights a genius, in Mensa, puts the other members to shame with his IQ, graduated college with an Archetectural degree before most people got around to GOING to college, was in a forest, working on his tan? More like lurking in the wooded section of a park, lying in wait on the favorite jogging path of a particular "funny little man" (IE network executive who thought he was REAL funny laughing at Al's idea for a kid's show)...

When he heard the tortured screaming of a funny little man

Well, yeah, when the "funny little man" steps into your bear trap, he is going to scream, isn't he, Al? ISN'T HE?!? He sure wasn't laughing then, was he? WAS HE?!?

He was caught in a bear trap and Al set him free

Oh I'm sure you did, AFTER he promised...

And the guy that he rescued was as grateful as can be

To 'reconsider' your proposal, eh?

And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on TV

So he gave Al a contract and what do you know?

Now he's got his own very Weird Al Show!

Turns out?!? TURNS OUT?!?

Oh Suuuuuurre!! Well, now we know the truth, don't we Al? DON'T WE?!?!?