"Opus P. Penguin said...
I don't think I had time to analyze my first sexual experience, as it was over so fast (not talking about you, Handsome, so don't pout)"
The above is, well, it's pretty obvious what it is. Another victim of inept, bumbling, feeble, male attempts at fornication. And they aren't hard to run into either. Google the subject and I'm sure you'll get plenty of hits.
And frankly, it's pissing me off.
Guys? How hard is it to pay attention during sex with a new partner? Women are all a great mystery, to be sure, but boys, it's worse than you were told or ever imagined. See, not only are women 'The Great Mystery', each and every one of them is a COMPETELY DIFFERENT MYSTERY too. Yeah, I know, it kinda sucks. "Riding a woman"* is NOT like riding a bicycle. Every single one of them has the 'controls' in a different spot, the 'mirrors' are always misaligned, the 'steering' handles differently, and the 'suspension' is always a discovery to be made.
And guess what? Even on the same woman, all of those 'things' can be 'repositioned' at any time, so it pays to pay attention when giving pleasure to a woman you are already intimately familiar with. Just because 'button one' played classic 'o' yesterday does not mean it hasn't been 'switched to another channel' today.
For us it's easy: see some boobies, play with 'em a little, move south, get yer 'thang' on, and roll over and go to sleep, preferably on the side opposite the wet spot. That'll work for any one of us, every time.
But women need more attention than that. Give it to them, or I'll find a way to...
...and that brings me to the other side of the equal sign.
Ladies? Would it kill you to speak English (or whatever other tongue you and your significant other have in common) when telling us: a) how you feel, b) what you want, c) what is wrong, d) what we can do to make you happier.
If we poor simple men ask you 'How are you today, love of my life?' and you reply 'Fine.' when inside you are seething, lost, or hurt, we will assume you are fine, since that's what you told us. We don't do code-speak. That's movie bullshit. If you tell us that nothing is wrong, you don't want anything in particular, or that what we're doing now is fine, then we're going to run with that.
Why?
Because we find you all to be a mystery, and if we get an answer to any one of those questions that indicates that what we are doing is either not displeasing you, or actually pleasing you, then we're going to high-five ourselves and make a note of whatever it was we were doing, and do it again later, because it got results, or so you told us. Lie to us, and we think we've found an important clue to solving the mystery that is you.
* Real quotes added because air quotes were too difficult to detect by my readers. Women are not transportation devices., nor any other sort of inanimate object. I had hoped that prevailing attitude would shine through, alas, I am a hack, and not a good writer.
It occurs to me that I should probably de-air quote everything, and put in actual quotes...
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9 comments:
Riding a woman is NOT like riding a bicycle...
1) This may be one of those times a woman needs to tell you how she feels about something you did. (And while I'm not YOUR woman, you'll find that rarely slows me down in this.) "Riding a woman" is not the phrase you want to use to make this point. ANY point. Really.
2) That's two smacks I owe you.
First... oh, where to start. Well, first, I must reiterate, Opus wasn't talking about me. Let's have that clear.
Second... dude, I don't know, you may hang out with different chicks than I do. But the chicks I hang out with, and have hung out with in the past... well, let me say, (a) the phrase 'riding a woman' is not going to get you any points with any of them, and (b) they, as a general rule, respond poorly to any sort of comparison between an individual female human being and any sort of inanimate object.
I understand you mean well. I do. And perhaps some women who read this would understand that as well. But I suspect all of them would be pretty incensed at the comparison.
I wanted to try to find an analogy to your analogy that you'd understand, but, honestly, I don't think it works the same way back. Or, at least, it wouldn't offend me, and I don't think it would offend you, if a female blogger were to tell her female audience, "girls, playing with a guy's thingie is not like playing with the joystick on a Playstation; the control buttons are in completely different places". But then, guys find technology fascinating and we often use tech terminology to compliment each other. "He's a machine!", in the context of sex, is pretty high praise. So... no, I don't think it works when I reverse it. But, trust me... comparing a chick to an inanimate object is a bad move. Don't do it.
I don't get it either mate, if that makes you feel better. I don't understand females. Sometimes I do or say things that completley baffle me and just come to the conclusion that it's part of being a chick.
Men and fantastically simple. BUT even when we do say things like "Honey, don't do that please" or "I'm not feeling great today" or "I fucking hate you and I wish you would go straight to fucking hell!!" doesn't mean that we are being HEARD.
I know, I never am...
Apologies. I forgot to put real quotes around 'Riding a woman'. I thought the air quotes were fairly obvious.
I'll go put them in now.
YGF,
Clearly you are wasting your time on unworthy men. Like the ones I am lambasting above, or the one Opus decried in the blog post I quoted...
I blame myself, for being born in North America instead of Australia, in 1969 instead of 1979. Drop by anytime to... punish... me.
Nate,
Somehow, putting quotes around the phrase in question does not diminish the offense of the phrase in question.
I'm not sure I'm understanding what you're trying to do here. Instead of insisting on using the phrase 'riding a woman', which at the very least makes women sound like livestock if not a vehicle of some sort, which I hope you see is not, well, cool, why not use some other phrase like, I don't know, 'making love to a woman' or 'having sex with a woman'?
Mind you, I'm the guy who lectures everyone on how being offended isn't the same as being hurt. But you seem to be trying to impress chicks with your sensitivity. If you're going to do that, employing phrases that equate women with draft animals and/or machinery may end up with you scoring a goal -- in the wrong end zone. Or something.
And yet again, one of those non-stop situations where text fails to convey proper meaning.
Mm-kay. The quotes around 'riding a woman' are intended to distance the phrase from me, to divorce it from my usage, to identify it with the same hapless males as the post is based on. It is the same type of mentality that is too lazy to learn how to please a woman (the phrase I'd prefer) that refers to said activity as 'riding'.
I'm most proud that you used my ill-considered comment as a jumping-off point for your public service announcement.
But it's a good conversation. I for one don't take offense at your use of "riding a woman" since I know you're only doing it for dramatic effect. But I imagine there are lots of guys out there who'd like to be ridden.
Not that I know any.
*raises hand sheepishly*
It's a nice posture to rest in between more, energetic, activities...
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